Clueless part 1

Hey! sorry its kinda long I couldn't decide when to stop so umm Hope ya like it!

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BEEP!BEEP!BEEP! Went the alarm clock that woke up Autumn Hommes everyday at 4:45 am. Autumn stretched and jumped out of bed, it was just another normal day in the eight grade except it's her first day of work at the Green Apple. The Green Apple was a little restaurant that needs a lot of help they are always so busy. Autumn laid her work uniform on her bed and put on her running outfit and quietly walked out of her room, down the stairs and past her parents bedroom and out the door. She stood on her driveway in their little town, stretched and looked at the beautiful sunrise. So much orange and purple, a pretty painting is what it looked like. Autumn took a deep breath in and started down her driveway.

"Your late!" shouted Autumn. "I know!" shouted back Brian. As you know they have been best friends forever, but what you don't know is that they train together, Brian for football and Autumn for track. They ran one and a half miles one way and back. They ran in pace together, their feet pounding lightly into the black top in harmony. They waved at the older people in their community who were earlier risers. They only stop once and that is at the end of the first mile and a half, before they turn back.

"Yesterday you told me to remind you that you have an algebra test today." teased Autumn

"Don't remind me, and you have a track meet today, don't forget to stretch or you might end up like you did last time." teased Brian back.

"Lets go." Autumn said rolling her eyes.

"Yeah lets I don't want to be late for school again."

They ran all but a half a mile in harmony until Autumn looked at Brian and sped up. So then it came to a race of who could get home and onto the bus first race, yes weird but they do it any way. Autumn and Brian always both take a shower get dressed and over to Autumn's driveway to get picked up just in time to get on the school bus. As Autumn ran up the stairs she yelled,"Hi Mom Hi Dad Toast please and umm Oh Goodmorining." Autumn then ran over and grabbed her CD player and turned it on and Sung all the time she was getting ready. She threw on her work uniform and kissed her mom and kissed her dad good-bye and ran out the door. Her mom and dad began laughing as she ran back in to grab her toast and book bag. Autumn walked outside and sat down on a rock shaped like a throne, and began eating her toast.

"

How do you get here so early?" asked Autumn.

"

How did you know that I was here?" questioned Brian.

"I have know idea, I was late getting here and you are always here at 6:47 exactly."

"I guess you notice the little things."

"Yeah I guess so."

The bus pulled up and they were on their way. As normal they went to sit with there other best friends, kinda like they both didn't want everyone to know that they were as close as they were. Except Michelle and Austin were sitting together today, and there was only one other seat open. They sat down and were a little not sure how to act.

"This is awkward." said Autumn

"Agreed, I mean I can't believe Austin would do something like this." replied Brian.

"Oh come on its not bad, Is it?"

"No no its just, well not many people know who close we are."

"So your embarrassed of me!"

Michelle and Austin who were sitting across from them were watching the two fight in hushed tones.

"Look what we have done!" whispered Michelle

"So look we are like the only people who realize how right for each other, except they both are to stubborn to see that." wisely spoke Austin.

They turned back and watched them again.

"No!No! Its just that I..." trailed off Brian.

"That you what have a girlfriend, yeah I know her name is Jenny, captain of the cheer squad and you naturally being cap tin of the football team go out with her," Autumn stopped and took a breath and changed her tone,"Just what is it about me that makes you embarrassed that when people know you know me."

"Its just that Jenny really doesn't like you and if she ever saw us talking or anything she would get really mad at me, But I don't care what she thinks Autumn you are like my best friend and you always have been and always will. Now to answer your question it would be what makes me embarrassed about people know we spend time together is that your just so much smarter than me and i guess when i here the teachers talk about school i just get embarrassed that I spend so much time with you and none of your smartness has rubbed off on me."

"Your only embarrassed of me because i am Smart?"

"Yes oh and you made a high school track team when your only in 8th grade."

"Your embarrassed, by that I think you mean jealous. I am jealous because you have the highest grades in your class, and your embarrassed because i am smart, your captain of the football team and your only a freshmen. Most of all (Autumn started to turn a light shade of pink) you have someone that pays attention to you, I mean Jenny."

"Come on Autumn, you know that the sophomore Jimmy wants to ask you out."

"Yeah well if he asks i am sick."

"Why?"

"He has a lot more experience in the Field."

"Yes um.. if he ever so much as touches you."

"Calm down according to the code I have to tell you."

"Yeah well in kindergarten you didn't tell me."

"Yeah well that was before we made the code."

"Okay, sorry we've been listening and looks like traffic is going to keep us here for a little while longer so be a dear and tell us what the code is."sweetly smiled Michelle and Austin

"Do you want to tell them or should I?" asked Brian.

"Well maybe both of us would be best. I'll start. It was oh the 3rd week into my kindergarten year and Brian's 1st grade year. As you guys know we had recess together, and you also know that me and Brian were good friends. But what you don't know is this. I was outside it was pretty cold umm.. i believe it was a few weeks after my grandfather had died, and I had a crush on this boy named George, he was in first grade. I was sitting on the picnic tables and was coloring in a book when George came over and asked me to share my crayons with him, and I said of course not knowing any better. That's when Brian came over and asked George what he was doing. George said he was borrowing my crayons. That's when Brian slugged him in the left eye." remembered Autumn.

"Hey well in my defense I was a boy and if I were going to ask a girl to borrow her crayons i would end up doing something else at that age. Anyway I got sent to the principals office and it was put on my record and I had to stay out of school for the rest of the week."

"In Brian's defense I would have done the same thing." said Austin.

"Ya know ever since the code you have been watching out for me, and sometimes even doing my dad's job, chasing away the boyfriends." said Autumn.

"Yeah well lets go to school." said Michelle.

They had gotten dropped off at their schools.

"I think he likes you." said Michelle

"What your crazy, Brian doesn't like me he likes Jenny and You like Austin." said Autumn

"Ooo... you stoop low."

"Cut it out come on if we don't hurry we will be late for class."

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Azila
Comment

Pretty good. The dialogue is very realistic and all, but there are a lot of typos. Do you have a spell check? Because if you do, then you should run anything you want to post on here through it before posting it. If you don't have one, we have one here on the YWS! When you want to post something, juct make sure you click the "spell check" button at the botton of the text box, next to the "save as draft" button. Also, the spacing still isn't perfect. ^.^ The dialogue should be spaced out too. Here's an example:

"Yesterday you told me to remind you that you have an algbera test today." teased Autum
"Don't remind me, and you have a track meet today, don't forget to strech or you might end up like you did last time." teased Brian back.
"Lets go." Autum said rolling her eyes.
"Yeah lets I don't want to be late for school again."

Should be:
"Yesterday you told me to remind you that you have an algbera test today." teased Autum

"Don't remind me, and you have a track meet today, don't forget to strech or you might end up like you did last time." teased Brian back.

"Lets go." Autum said rolling her eyes.

"Yeah lets I don't want to be late for school again."


Other than that, here are the little mistakes. They are mostly just spelling mistakes...

Autum streched and jumped out of bed, it was just another normal day in the eight grade except it's her first day of work at the Green Apple. The Green Apple was a little resturant that needs alot of help they are always so busy.

1. should be "stretched" rather than "streched"
2. the comma after "bed" should be a period... and the "i" in "it" should therefore be capital.
3. "restaurant" not "resturant"
4. "a lot" not "alot"... that one's a common mistake. ^_~

Autum laid her work uniform on her bed and put on her running outfit and quietly walked out of her room, down the staris and past her parents bedroom and out the door. She stood on her driveway in their little town, strecthed and looked at the beautiful sunrise.

1. "staris" should be "stairs"
2. "strecthed" should be "streched"

As you know they have been best friends forever, but what you don't know is that they train togther, Brian for football and Autum for track.

1. "togther" should be "together"
2. I don't like the way you say "as you know" because, in fact, your reader does NOT necessarily know. :? Maybe you should make it something like "as you've probably figured out..."

They waved at the older people in their community who were eariler risers.

"eariler" should be "earlier"

"Yesterday you told me to remind you that you have an algbera test today." teased Autum
"Don't remind me, and you have a track meet today, don't forget to strech or you might end up like you did last time." teased Brian back.

First part:
1. "algbera" should be "algebra"
2. there should be a period at the end of this sentence.
Second part:
"Strech" should be "stretch"... you make that mistake w=quite a few times. :wink:

Except Michelle and Austin were sitting togheter today, and there was only one other seat open. They sat down and were alittle not sure how to act.
"This is akward." said Autum
"Agreed, I mean I can't belive Austin would do something like this." replied Brian.

1. "togheter" should be "together"
2. "alittle" should be "a little"
3. "akward" should be "awkward"
4. "belive" should be "believe"


"So your embarssed of me!"

"embarssed" should be "embarrassed" You make this mistake quite often, but I will only point it out once.

"So look we are like the only people who realise how right for each other, except they both are to stubborn to see that." wisley spoke Austin.

1. "realise" should be "realize"
2. "wisley" should be "wisely"... and it should be capitalized, too.

"That you what have a girlfriend, yeah I know her name is Jenny, captin of the cheer squad and you naturally being captin of the football team go out with her,"

"captin" should be "captain"... you make this mistake very frequently throughout the piece.

"Come on Autum, you know that the sophmore Jimmy wants to ask you out."
"Yeah well if he asks i am sick."
"Why?"
"He has a lot more experince in the feild."
"Yes um.. if he ever so much as touches you."
"Calm down according to the code I have to tell you."
"Yeah well in kindergartin you didn't tell me."

1. "sophmore" should be "sophomore"
2. "experince" should be "experience"
3. "feild" should be "field"
4. "kindergartin" should be "kindergarten"

It was oh the 3rd week into my kindergartin year and Brians 1st grade year.

1. fix kindergarten again. :wink:
2. "Brians" should be "Brian's"... you make this mistake quite often as well, but once again, I won't point out all of the places.

I was outside it was pretty cold umm.. i belive it was a few weeks after my grandfather had died, and I had a crush on this boy named George, he was in first grade.

1. make sure you capitalize all of your "I"s...
2. "belive" should be "believe"
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Sorry I didn't review this earlier! I saved it as a draft, then thought I'd posted it already. ^_^

Hope this helps!

Good luck!
~Azila~

User avatar
Azila
Review
Azila wrote a review · Mon Jan 14, 2008 10:52 pm

Hi there, and welcome to the YWS!

I find that when you use the "pre" feature it makes your text come out in a really weird font that I have trouble reading. You should just post the text normal, but space it out like I am in this messege.

If you have any questions about what I mean, please PM me and I'll be happy to answer! Oh, and please PM me when you fix it too, I'll give you a critique. ^_~

Welcome!

~Azila~



Not many will ever really understand you / That doesn't mean you aren't worth understanding
— Quillfeather